I've spent my night in a hot shower, bawling my eyes out, and praying for friends and it's so refreshing to be so broken. I haven't written it on my blog, and most of my friends have no idea that we are already wanting another baby. I feel like the most selfish person on the earth wanting another. I already have one. A PERFECT one. Seriously, A is amazing and I literally cherish every moment I have with him. It's just that ever since he was born, I've felt it placed on my heart to want another. I know that I am blessed beyond belief. Ashton is simply amazing in every way, and I know I don't for a second deserve another.
The whole time I was pregnant, I was miserable and I said it would be at least 3 years before I even would consider having another baby. Now, here I am, 6 months later,facing possible infertility and I am scared out of my mind.
I am not ovulating. It has been over 100 days since my last period and I honestly wonder if I will ever get to have that feeling again. Will I get to feel my baby turning flips in my belly? Will I get to 'birth' another miracle? Why did God place it on my heart to have another so soon after I was adamant that I didn't want another for a long time?
My close friend is fixing to have her first child. It took her one single cycle to get pregnant with her LO and preceded to tell me that it was because she "wanted it so much". Really?
I didn't "want it" bad enough during the 7 months it took H and I to conceive A? Because I'm pretty sure that I BEGGED God to give us a baby. Do I not want it enough now? Is that's what's going wrong now? Looking ahead I can just see her getting KU the very first time her H and her have PP sex... wouldn't that be a treat? Especially since she doesn't want another for "at least 3 years" and she thinks I'm crazy for wanting another so soon.
After thinking all of this I am bombarded with guilt. I have friends that don't have a child at all that are struggling. Where is the fairness in all of this? Why would God give me a child instead of my friend? I don't think for a second that it is because I would be a better parent or anything of the sort.
Tonight I honestly stood in the shower for an hour, with the water as high as it could go. When the hot water ran out, I sat down and cried and begged God for my friend to get her happy ending.(not the one that is fixing to have her baby) Life is not fair and I don't begin to try to understand it. We have to trust that God knows what he is doing and that he always has our best interest at heart and keep going through the tough times, which is 50 times easier said than done. So here is to having patience and trying to make it through the day to day, hoping it might be easier than the day before.
I hope you know who you are, and that I am praying for you all the time, and that God will bless you with your happy ending.
Peace and Love
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We've briefly touched on this whole subject before, but I'm thinking about you! Life isn't fair, is it? And, frankly, it sucks. And really, if it was a matter of 'wanting it so much' then I'd have a couple babies already... instead of none.
ReplyDeleteThis is a touching post. Sometimes you just have to cry.