Um, so I've been building this huge freakout up for the last week or so and today, out it came. I knew I was feeling sad and hormonal so I tried to occupy all of my free time with reading the Twilight series(amazing btw). So anyway, I finished the last book of the series last night and so today I had nothing to do but just sit an think.
What the hell did I do?
Why would I want to have another baby when my baby is still such a baby?
I feel like I am totally ripping Ashton off. I'm NOT ready to split my attention between him and his little brother. He is TOO YOUNG to become a big brother. Not to mention that this baby isn't going to get near the attention that Ashton got as an infant. It simply isn't possible.
I work at the nursery at the YMCA and get to bring Ashton with me. You should see how he acts when I hold another baby that's crying. It's terrible. He crawls to me and gets the saddest looking face on and basically tries to claw his way up into my arms. How am I going to do this??
So all day I was just fighting back tears and we had our BIG u/s so my H was off work. He would ask me what was wrong when I would let a tear slip by and I would just say that I couldn't talk about it until I could really cry. So finally, after the u/s, I let it go. I totally bawled in the car and my poor H was so good. I know that we will figure it out. One of my main reasons for getting pregnant this time was so Ashton would have a friend. My brother is 10 years older than me and I always wished I had someone closer.
I have to try to remember that I freaked out like this with Ashton and looking back now, I feel like it was totally pointless bc everything just worked itself out after he was born.
These crazy hormones are getting old!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
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